The "Let Them Theory" Is Not a Management Strategy
It’s a mood. It’s a boundary. It's not a way to run a team.
I started hearing people talk about Mel Robbins’ Let Them Theory earlier this year. Some were using it in the way it was intended, as a way to stop over-functioning in relationships. Others had already started applying it to work, as if it could replace actual leadership. These two uses live in completely different universes, yet people kept lumping them together.
As a card-carrying, recovering codependent from Al-Anon, I understand the appeal of anything that promises emotional relief. I have spent years trying to manage situations that were never mine to manage. So when I hear a phrase like “Let Them”, I feel the tiny spark of hope that maybe I do not have to hold everything together all the time.
And if you spend any time in the liberal white woman media ecosystem (and BELIEVE ME I HAVE), you already know Mel Robbins has been everywhere. Podcasts, Instagram, group chats.
The “life-changing tool that millions of people can’t stop talking about” is catchy and soothing and empowering, so of course I picked up the book.
So, What Is the “Let Them” Theory?
At its core, “Let Them” is emotional detachment. Stop trying to control people. Stop chasing, rescuing, or manipulating outcomes. Stop bending yourself into shapes that no longer fit. Instead of trying to manage, fix, convince, or chase people, you simply… let them be who they are going to be and let them experience the natural consequences of their choices.
If they drift away, let them.
If they don’t text you back, let them.
If they choose someone other than you as a friend or partner, let them.
If they tell you who they are, believe them and let them, an then decide how you want to respond.
This is not new advice, but it is comforting when wrapped in simple language. It reminds people to stop the emotional gymnastics they have trained themselves to perform. In personal relationships, it can be transformative.
Here is Mel describing it in her own words about a year ago:
Where Things Fall Apart
I’m not here to yuck anyone’s yum.
“Let them” is solid advice that has helped a lot of people. It can be great for relationships. Friends. Parents. Exes. It’s worth aspiring to! If it’s helpful to you, by all means, use it!
The trouble begins when people take this idea from home into the workplace. To be fair to Mel Robbins, I’m not sure she is suggesting that we do. In my read, I found one short example from the workplace, and it was for an individual contributor who felt unappreciated, not a leader.
Leadership lives in a completely different ecosystem. You cannot rely on emotional detachment to guide decisions that affect paychecks, workloads, psychological safety, and team culture.
So let’s make the distinction clear.
When “Let Them” Works at Work
Here’s when this philosophy actually helps you become a better leader:
1. It can interrupt micromanagement.
If you tend to hover or correct every detail, the “Let Them” mindset can help you step back. When leaders stop over steering, teams often surprise them. There is real growth in letting go of false control.
2. It can help you focus on what really matters.
That teammate who’s constantly late to meetings? “Let Them” can help you stop spiraling and instead… observe. Hold the boundary, but don’t waste energy on outrage. Besides, if they don’t report to you, what are you going to do about it but be pissed off? Using “Let Them” as a reminder not to take things personally is growth. Especially when someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with you—and never did.
3. It can show you who people really are.
Stop chasing that disengaged team member. Let them opt out. That leaves you more space to pour into the ones who actually want to be there. You can decide long term if that low engagement is actually a problem or not, and deal with it either way.
And Then... It Goes Off the Rails
Now here’s the other side of the story.
1. It replaces responsibility with preference.
In your personal life, you get to decide what you will tolerate. At work, you hold standards on behalf of the whole team. You may not care if someone is late or sloppy, but the people who rely on them do. Leadership decisions cannot be guided only by your personal threshold.
2. It’s not a free pass to avoid conflict.
“Let Them” becomes avoidance when you use it to sidestep hard conversations. Leadership requires honest feedback. Skipping the uncomfortable parts is not wisdom. It is self protection. Boundaries require clarity and communication. Abdication is the absence of both. I know that a younger, more conflict avoidant version of myself could use “Let Them” to justify staying out of hard conversations instead of stepping into them with intention.
3. It doesn’t work when one person harms others.
Work isn’t a solo journey. One person’s unchecked behavior affects the whole team. You can’t always “let them” if “them” is torpedoing morale. I have been in situations where someone is making rude, sexist, or racist comments. I am not gonna “let them.’ I’ve been at companies where a high-performing sales person is a real asshole, and management’s attitude is just to “let him cook” while those behaviors would never be tolerated from someone who didn’t have such a direct impact on revenue.
4. It can be interpreted as detachment.
Leaders are not in neutral relationships with their teams. Silence from a manager is rarely interpreted as wisdom or calm. It is interpreted as approval or indifference or unavailability. Power changes the meaning of every action and every non action. When people do not know where you stand, psychological safety erodes fast.
5. It creates uneven workloads.
When you let one person underperform, the rest of the team quietly compensates. The highest performers absorb the slack until they burn out or act out or leave. There can be problematic gender and racial dynamics with who ends up getting off easy and who ends up carrying the heavier load.
6. It assumes natural consequences will teach the lesson.
This is not how companies work. The person who makes the mistake is not always the person who feels the impact. Workloads shift. Projects stall. Morale dips. Waiting for the universe to intervene is not a management strategy.
8. It can hide a lack of responsibility for your own part.
It is usually wise to assume people act for their own reasons and not because of you. That mindset protects you from taking things personally. The problem is that people who are not doing their own inner work can use “Let Them” to avoid looking at how their behavior contributed to the situation.
In the twelve step world, yes, we learn not to control others, but we also learn to keep our side of the street clean. “Let Them” only works when you pair detachment with honest self examination. If you are a leader and someone on your team is acting out, maybe it IS because of some dynamic you have control over changing, either in your leadership style or within the team.
Oh—and Yes, There’s Controversy
There is also the uncomfortable truth that Mel Robbins did not originate Let Them. The earliest known version is a poem by writer Cassie Phillips. It circulated online years before the book. Like many vulnerable pieces of writing, it traveled widely and often without credit.
When Mel published her version of the idea, many people recognized the similarities. Cassie expressed feeling erased. This pattern is not unusual in the self help world, but it raises important questions about attribution and power. Who gets celebrated. Who gets forgotten. Who gets paid. It doesn’t mean Mel did it intentionally, but it’s hard to believe she didn’t stumble across the poem when researching the book, and the similarities are quite evident.
Leaders should pay attention to that part of the story. It mirrors what happens inside companies when ideas get absorbed into the system without acknowledgment. How many of us have experienced someone else taking our idea at work and getting all the credit and adulation for it?
Here’s the first bit of her poem (read the whole thing here):
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
So What Should Leaders Actually Take From It?
Here’s the distilled wisdom I took from the book, while grumbling about paying $16 for a book that had most of the wisdom contained on the inside flap (is it just me, or is this a growing trend that people write whole books that could have been essays?)
Let go of rescuing.
Let people show you how they operate without you rearranging the whole system to accommodate them.
Let yourself stop sprinting after every dropped responsibility.
Let natural consequences teach what you do not need to over explain.
BUT ALSO…
Do not let harmful behavior continue because you want to seem relaxed.
Do not allow clarity to evaporate because boundaries sound spiritual.
Do not confuse checking out with becoming wise.
Do not outsource your authority to a slogan.
A Story from Home
I used a version of Let Them with my seventeen year old last week. He and a friend are planning a multi day hike on the Appalachian Trail. He announced that he would be bringing his school backpack, wearing sneakers, and boiling lake water. Every protective instinct in my body lit up at once. I felt the familiar urge to reorganize everything.
Here was our text exchange (posted with his permission):
Did you laugh when you read about the teenager who has never camped before scavenging for food in the mountains of Virginia? I know I did.
But I also took a breath and stepped back. He is allowed to learn from carrying a bad backpack and hiking in shoes with no support. That is how teenagers calibrate reality. What I did not allow was a trip with no water or plan for food. Let Them ends where actual safety begins.
The same rule applies at work. You let people experiment, try things, and learn by doing. You do not let people drift into decisions that harm themselves or others. You do not disappear from your role because disengagement feels enlightened.
TL;DR: “Let Them” is a self-regulation technique. Not a leadership strategy.
Use it to center yourself. Calm your nervous system. Regain perspective.
But then? Put on your big boss pants and lead with clarity, courage, and care.
Because you are the one they’re looking to.
And they might “let themselves” drift…
Unless you show up to lead.
Would love to hear your take. Have you read the book? What did you think?
Inner Compass for Leaders: Workday Retreats for Leaders
“Let Them” only works when you’re willing to look at your own patterns . . .the way you avoid conflict, over function, hold too much, or disappear when things feel hard. Most leaders never get space to do that kind of honest reflection. They’re too busy reacting.
That’s why I started the Inner Compass for Leaders workshops. They’re one hour workday retreats where we slow down, write, and see what’s actually driving our choices.
I’ve had more than 250 people take my workshops over the last year. I work hard to create a small, safe respite from the workday to explore the things that make work frustrating, wonderful, and overwhelming.
I’d love for you to join a session.
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