The "Let Them Theory" Is Not a Management Strategy
It’s a mood. It’s a boundary. But unless you want chaos in your org chart, it’s not how you lead.
As a card-carrying, recovering co-dependent member of Al-Anon, when I heard about Mel Robbins’ new book called “The Let Them Theory,” I was intrigued. After all, I need all the help I can get when it comes to letting people do the things they’re gonna do anyway.
And if you are in the liberal-white-woman-o-sphere (as I am), you can hardly avoid Mel Robbins over the last few months. She’s been on every podcast, she’s all over my Instagram feed, and friends are asking me if I’ve read the book.
So, What Is the “Let Them” Theory?
At its core, the “Let Them” theory is about letting go of control, especially over other people’s behavior. Instead of trying to manage, fix, convince, or chase people, you simply… let them be who they are going to be.
If they want to leave? Let them.
If they don’t text back? Let them.
If they don’t value you? Let them.
Mel Robbins popularized the idea, but it’s essentially healthy emotional detachment wrapped in empowerment glitter.
It’s a mindset shift rooted in emotional detachment, boundaries, and self-respect. Rather than over-functioning or overreacting, you step back and let others show you who they are—then decide how you want to respond. Your peace is more important than their drama.
Here is Mel describing it in her own words about a year ago:
It’s the kind of advice that feels like a warm bath after a stressful day—“Ahhh yes, I don’t have to chase, fix, or control anyone ever again.”
I’m not here to be a hater. This is solid advice that has helped a lot of people. It can be great for relationships. Friends. Parents. Exes. It’s worth aspiring to!
But here’s the thing: what happens when we take this super-viral, very vibes-based mantra and try to apply it at work . . .
Does “Let Them” work in a team environment?
In a startup?
When you're the boss?
Let’s unpack the magic and the mayhem of this idea—and talk about the low-key drama that’s been brewing behind it.
When “Let Them” Works at Work
Here’s when this philosophy actually helps you become a better leader:
1. It Kills Micromanagement
Trying to control every move your team makes? Exhausting. “Let Them” can help you breathe and trust your people. Let them do the thing—even if it’s not your way. (Spoiler: your way is not always the best way.) This is really important for many of us to learn.
2. It Teaches You to Focus on What Really Matters
That teammate who’s constantly late to meetings? “Let Them” can help you stop spiraling and instead… observe. Hold the boundary, but don’t waste energy on outrage. Besides, if they don’t report to you, what are you going to do about it but be pissed off? Using “Let Them” as a reminder not to take things personally is growth. Especially when someone else’s behavior has nothing to do with you—and never did.
3. It Shows You Who People Really Are
Stop chasing that disengaged team member. Let them opt out. That leaves you more space to pour into the ones who actually want to be there. You can decide long term if that low engagement is actually a problem or not, and deal with it either way.
And Then... It Goes Off the Rails
Now here’s the other side of the story.
1. “Let Them” ≠ No Accountability
If your direct report keeps missing deadlines, “let them” is not a performance strategy—it’s a shortcut to chaos. Leadership is about holding the standard, not vibing through dysfunction.
2. It’s Not a Free Pass to Avoid Conflict
“Let Them” can be an excuse to stay passive. Sometimes, the most loving, effective thing you can do is give direct feedback. Even if it’s awkward. Especially when it’s awkward.
3. One Person’s Freedom Is Another’s Dysfunction
Work isn’t a solo journey. One person’s unchecked behavior affects the whole team. You can’t always “let them” if “them” is torpedoing morale. I have been in situations where someone is making rude, sexist, or racist comments. I am not gonna “let them.’
Oh—and Yes, There’s Controversy
We can’t talk about Let Them without addressing the allegations that Mel Robbins didn’t come up with it, but did make millions off the idea.
The original version of Let Them was actually a poem by writer Cassie Phillips. Here’s the first bit of her poem (read the whole thing here):
If they want to choose something or someone over you, LET THEM.
If they want to go weeks without talking to you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with never seeing you, LET THEM.
If they are okay with always putting themselves first, LET THEM.
If they are showing you who they are and not what you perceived them to be, LET THEM.
Cassie wrote and shared that poem long before Mel’s video blew up. But like many gems on the internet, it got reposted far and wide—often without credit. So when Mel shared the same sentiment in her own words (and in a highly monetizable, brand-friendly format), people noticed the similarities.
Cassie later acknowledged the situation publicly, expressing disappointment over the lack of credit for words that clearly resonated so widely. And to be fair, it’s not the first time something heartfelt from a smaller creator got swept up in the social media machine and rebranded by someone with a much larger platform. It doesn’t mean Mel did it intentionally, but it’s hard to believe she didn’t stumble across the poem when researching the book.
So What Should Leaders Actually Take From It?
Here’s the distilled wisdom I took from the book, while grumbling about paying $16 for a book that had most of the wisdom contained on the inside flap (is it just me, or is this a growing trend that people write whole books that could have been essays?)
✅ Let go of trying to be the hero
✅ Let people show you who they are
✅ Let yourself stop over-functioning
✅ Let natural consequences do some of the work
BUT ALSO…
❌ Don’t “let them” drop balls or hurt others without a conversation
❌ Don’t let clarity slide because you want to seem chill
❌ Don’t mistake disengagement for emotional mastery
❌ Don’t outsource your leadership to an Instagram quote
“Let Them” Can Be Really Helpful as a Self-Regulation Technique
While I don’t think “Let Them” is a management technique, it can help in lots of situations.
I channeled Cassie Phillips/Mel Robbins earlier this week when my 17-year old and I had this text exchange (posted with his permission):
So here’s the way this is going to go down.
I can take a deep breath and “let him” wear sneakers on the Appalachian Trail, use his school backpack instead of a camping pack, do very little planning, and boil water from the nearby lake.
I’m not going to “let him” SCAVENGE FOR FOOD and will make sure he has a plan to feed himself (and I know his friend Duke’s mom well).
Learning “let them,” (long ago and in other words from Melodie Beattie) has been transformational for my peace of mind.
It’s just not always a catch-all for everything. It’s a vast oversimplification.
TL;DR: “Let Them” is a self-regulation technique. Not a leadership strategy.
Use it to center yourself. Calm your nervous system. Regain perspective.
But then? Put on your big boss pants and lead with clarity, courage, and care.
Because you are the one they’re looking to.
And they might “let themselves” drift…
Unless you show up to lead.
Would love to hear your take. Have you read the book? What did you think?
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