The Silent Toll of Staying Too Long Where You're Undervalued

Fear, survival, and the slow work of choosing yourself

We don't have to stay considerate in places where we aren't considered.

I saw this Instagram reel by Tara de Francisco and it resonated immediately:

Maybe she intended it to be about romantic relationships, or maybe she intended it generally. But because of what I do, I immediately thought about it in relation to work.

We show up with good intentions. We try to be collaborative, kind, and patient. We try to meet the moment with grace. And a lot of the time, it works. Until it doesn't.

For much of my career, and honestly in some friendships and partnerships too, I stayed considerate in places where I wasn't considered at all. I excused it. I rationalized it. I thought if I just worked harder, explained myself better, brought even more to the table, surely it would change. Surely they would see me.

The truth is, sometimes they won't. And it's not because you aren't valuable. It's because you are in the wrong room.

The reality: Sometimes you have to stay until you can leave

I want to be clear: this isn't a call for reckless exits. There have been times in my life when I had to stay in jobs that didn't treat me well because I needed the paycheck. I had bills. I had kids. I had a mortgage.

"Following your heart" sounds great until your electricity gets turned off.

If you're in a situation where you're staying at a job or in a career that isn’t right for you for financial reasons, survival reasons, logistical reasons — that's okay. You don't owe anyone an explanation for doing what you have to do to take care of yourself or your family.

But even if you can't leave yet, you can start asking the questions. You can start reconnecting to your own sense of worth.

Questions to Ask Yourself

You don't have to act today. But you do owe yourself your own honesty. Here are some questions to sit with:

• Am I respected here?

• Is my contribution valued?

• Do I feel safe being myself?

• Am I consistently shrinking myself?

• If I didn't need the paycheck, would I choose to stay?

• What parts of myself am I sacrificing to be here?

These questions aren't about immediate action. They're about clarity.

The Silent Toll of Staying Too Long Where You're Not Considered

It doesn't always announce itself. There's no flashing warning light, no dramatic moment of collapse. It happens slowly, over time.

It looks like this:

• Shrinking your voice in meetings without even realizing it.

• Second-guessing yourself before you send an email.

• Lowering your expectations of how you deserve to be treated.

• Telling yourself "it's not that bad" when it actually is.

• Feeling a little smaller every time you leave work, but convincing yourself you're just tired.

• Starting to believe that maybe you are the problem.

• Losing trust in your own instincts.

The silent toll is erosion, not explosion. It wears away at your confidence, your clarity, your sense of possibility. It convinces you to ask for less. It tricks you into thinking survival is success.

I have felt this toll both as an individual contributor and while sitting on an executive team. A title doesn't inoculate you from the feeling of being overlooked, undervalued, or unseen. It can happen anywhere.

The longer you stay, the harder it can be to remember who you were before you started negotiating against yourself.

That's why even if you can't leave yet, it's so important to stay awake to what's happening — to stay in touch with your self-worth, even if the room you're in refuses to reflect it back to you.

Making a Decision has Three Parts

In my experience, every major decision has three parts:

1. The knowing: Being honest about what is really happening. For me this can be the hardest step.

2. The willingness: Finding the emotional courage to imagine a different path.

3. The ability: Having the resources, support, or opportunity to actually move.

Sometimes we know what we need to do long before we're willing to do it. This has been true for me too many times to list.

Sometimes we're willing, but still building the ability to leave. That's okay. There's no shame in being anywhere along that path.

But it starts with asking yourself the questions. Even if you're not ready to act yet, you deserve to know the truth of your own experience.

Final thought

You deserve to be in rooms where you're considered, in jobs, partnerships, and communities where you're seen and valued. You deserve to take up space.

Stay considerate. But stay where you are considered.

Work with Me

Need a Work Doula?

If you’re navigating the messy, magical, sometimes overwhelming transitions of your company, strategy, and/or professional life, I’d love to support you. Most leaders have plenty of hustle, what they need is support.

I work with visionary founders and sales and marketing leaders on go-to-market strategy, leadership, clarity, and growth. I’d love to chat about what you need.

I also lead two “How’s Work” workshops every month, open to all. We use writing prompts to explore decision-making, conflict, career, ambition, leadership, change, and work stress.

I’d love for you to join me.